Monday, June 05, 2006

Disconnected

This is not the first time it has happened. Unfortunately, it probably won’t be the last. I feel disconnected from God. I have felt this way for a while now and know better than to let it go on for too long. But I have a problem. In fact, I am prepared to call this problem my number one sin.

Disclaimer – I know sin is sin and there is no distinguishing in God’s mind.

The reason for the rank has nothing to do with the level of evil involved but rather the frequency. Of all my sins and transgressions, this is not the worst but the most frequent. Laziness. I am not talking about my obsessive need for a nap, though my wife would agree that I need to work on that too. I am talking about putting forth the necessary effort to keep in tune with God. To spend time in The Word. To communicate with Him on bended knee. The disconnect I feel has nothing to do with God and everything to do with me. After all, He did not go anywhere.

The only thing that has me rooted to the ground these days is my Christian morals and my continued involvement with the Christian community. Since having twins, church and the various groups we were involved with took a second chair to childcare, sleep, and convenience. When we do go to church with twin infants in tow, we spend the service in a glassed in “cry room”. As such, we sit with several other parents and infants. Even if you miraculously make it through a service without your children crying, needing food, or changing…inevitably someone else’s child will take the opportunity. So, of the 6 times we have been to church as parents, we have had very little of the message reach our ears, minds, or hearts.

When disconnected the changes are subtle at first. You bicker with your wife more often. Your frustration with commuters grows stronger. Soon your normal happy disposition is a constant irritation. Lines form on your face from scowling and grumbling under your breath about the idiot writing a check in the Express Checkout Lane. Before long, you are just an unhappy lump going through life. As I said, I identified the problem quite a while ago. I have just been too lazy to fix it.

Just as an idea, I suggested that we let My Wife’s parents watch the twins while we attend the 10:45 AM service. We are still hesitant to put them in childcare for fear of illness. We need to get over that but for now this was a solution worth pondering. MW agreed and her parents happily obliged too.

There was nothing incredibly special about the sermon, the music, or the events of that day. But I did feel this magnificent weight lift off of me. I felt like a parched traveler finally getting to a bottle of ice-cold water. I felt the laziness start to turn into energy and desire for more. I don’t often claim to receive messages from God. Even if you are lucky enough to be a true receiver of His communications, you can easily misinterpret or lead others astray if you are wrong. But a thought permeated my consciousness and I felt like it was God giving me some encouragement.

“Reconnect and I will do the rest.”

Part of my laziness is due to the misunderstanding that my Christian walk requires that I perform, that I act, that I do something…always going down the daily checklist. This thought made me happy because it implied rest. It implied a mutual relationship where my efforts were not paramount. He only needs me to reconnect. I think I can do that.

1 comments:

Carolanne said...

My sister had twins a week ago and now has 5 children under 5. My mum had twins when I was 14 months old so my sister (who is a twin) seems to be following her pattern.
Anyway, I enjoyed what you wrote and it helps to make me understand my sister a bit more too.
I'm glad your parents were able to give you that bit of time at church.