Chopper 5 here flying over the Mixmaster. We have a three car pileup with police on the scene. Traffic is backed up to Egypt and there is no end in sight. By the time you get to the point of origin, the wreck will be cleared up and you won’t even have the satisfaction of rubbernecking. What’s more is that this will be the 20th time you are late to work and written up despite leaving your house a 5AM. Here’s hoping you still have a job! Chopper 5 out.
That might as well be the daily report here in Dallas. From what I’ve been told we still do not rival cities in California or New York but it is bad. If it ever got worse, I would surely have to beat my head into the steering wheel until unconscious. It is 2006. I just thought I would remind everyone of that because aren’t we supposed to be in flying cars by now? We have the Jetson’s to blame for this expectation as well as countless other programs and movies. What year was it again that Marty visited in the future? I don’t see us progressing as fast as we often like to brag.
Here are some typical frustrations you might relate to: (Special thanks to Zaphod for giving me some of these ideas)
Cones For No Reason – Ever have to merge out of the lane you are in because orange cones have been place in the way? You think to yourself, surely these cones are there because of construction of some sort. Yet you move over and edge forward inches every five minutes only to witness three miles of cones, blocking nothing. Maybe the cone fairy visited last night. Maybe this was Joe Construction’s practical joke. Maybe the shipment intended for Madonna spilled out on the road. Whatever the case, I assume someone is hiding around the corner laughing as traffic stacks up for miles.
Stripers and Sweepers – Lately it is all the rage in Dallas for road crews to hit the highways to sweep and stripe the various lanes. Typically there are no less than 7 trucks in a row. Four or five of these trucks just carry large displays with flashing arrows directing traffic to merge over. It is only the front two trucks that actually sweep or paint. Seems like overkill and another unnecessary jam of the roadways. Their favorite time to conduct such services are during rush hour. I guess the middle of the night might be too inconvenient for city workers. On one particular day, I ended up traveling on three different highways to take my son to a doctors appointment. All three had this truck brigade as it was obviously National Stripe Day. Stupid me for not checking the calendar.
Copper Calamity 1 – When pulled over the police are specifically trained to minimize the life damage by parking behind you. All traffic on the main freeway slows down to look at the cop (thus impeding traffic). When the car is ready to leave, an UNSAFE entry must be made by the stopped vehicle (0 mph) must enter and merge with freeway traffic (60+mph). This is a MORE dangerous hazard than most offending cars that were traveling 10 mph over the limit to keep up with the general flow of traffic.
Copper Calamity 2 – We’ve all been flying down the highway and come upon a police car traveling the same direction. For some strange reason this police officer is traveling BELOW the posted speed limit, laughing histerically with donut powder circling his mouth. So what does everyone do? You guessed it…everyone feels compelled to stay in pace with Mr. Police Man. So we trudge along in one big merry clump all praying that this jerk will exit the highway and let us return to our speeding ways.
Copper Calamity 3 - When a police car is "hiding" to capture his next speeding victim, many cars see the cop on the side of the road and hit their brakes; which causes a chain reaction and a possible wrecks. The police are there to prevent such things…right? I am not picking on the Feds, just pointing out some obvious irony in their practices so please don’t mistake me for a person that has it out for The Man.
The Christian Cut-Off – It’s bad enough that we have such reckless drivers and rampant road rage these days. But it is something quite different when the jerk that sped around you and cut drastically back in front of you with middle finger wagging in the air, has a proudly displayed Jesus Fish on his car. I wish this was a rare occurrence for me but I’ve had many a fellow Christian witness to me in such ways.
Road Ragers – These people are like the fish toting variety but have no actual fish on their cars. They exceed speeds well beyond what is posted, they weave in and out of traffic, they ride your bumper, they cut you off, and you are lucky if the only thing they point at you is a little birdie. I cannot count the number of news reports of highway shootings between two vehicles that engaged in a bit of roadplay.
Granny GetouttaDaway – Old people. Need I say more? I plan to be one myself someday but I have made a few promises for the betterment of mankind: I will either stop driving if incapable of going the posted speed limits OR be the fastest old fart on wheels. When is the last time you saw Geezer Gary revving his engine at a stop light? Right...never. I am going to be the first so watch out for the year 2056.
I am sure to have neglected many other situations that are common. Enlighten me to your experience with your commentary.