Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Door To Door Rant

I REALLY need to get a peephole for my front door. I mean, who doesn't have a peephole? But apparently the builders didn't think it, or a coat closet, were necessary items when constructing our abode and because of this, I have had my fair share of unwanted solicitors get me to answer the door unsuspectingly.

Why answer in the first place you ask?  Well my children have friends next door and across the street that ring out doorbell on an almost daily basis...so we usually assume it to be them inviting our kids outside to play.

I could rant about a whole host of uninvited guests that peddle cleaners, lawn services, vacuums, cults and religious beliefs but for the purposes of this post, I will settle in on my most recent visitor...the magazine salesmen.

The Pitch

"Hi I am Trent and I am trying to turn my life around.  You can help me by evaluating my sales presentation regardless if you buy anything.  I am a former crack head and gang banger that wants to enjoy success and possibly be your next door neighbor one day.  And...if I get enough points, the company I work for might even send me on a trip."

The Problems

  • First of all, this pitch DID work on me the first time I heard it about eight years ago.  But when the tenth guy tells it verbatim, you start to question its authenticity just a little bit.
  • Secondly, they need to choose a strategy and stick with it.  You are either a hard luck case trying to turn your life around in need of a donation, advice, or perhaps prefer to do some odd jobs if I have any available.  Or you are the guy interrupting my family time with a very long spiel designed to motivate me to order a magazine subscription.  Pick one!
  • Be honest.  From the word go on this last visit, I asked what he was selling.  He lied and said "Nothing" only to dive right into his pitch and hard luck story. 
  • Perhaps what is most puzzling is why any door to door solicitations are still in operation.  In this case, if I really wanted a magazine subscription I could just get online and order it directly from the publishers website.  And if I have gone this long with out a particular publication, something tells me I can go a little longer.
  • "Oh but by buying this from me, you can help me earn that trip to Hawaii!"  The first problem with that objection is my sincere disbelief that such trips are ever awarded.  The second problem is this line is being given to a man (me) who hasn't had anything other than a stay-cation or the occasional road trip to San Antonio for the past ten years.  Unless this subscription can get us both to the sandy shores, I'll pass.
Don't get me wrong.  I am a BIG SOFTY for the truly needy, hard-luck types.  I am the kid that brings home the strays and begs mom and dad to let me keep them.  But I am not one that enjoys having these attributes exploited and taken advantage of.

Bring on the Girl Scouts!  I need some thin mints!